INCREASE-DECREASE

Dear New York,

You are something. You woo us with your summer fun, your free concerts, and cuban corn stands, your pretty people, and cool ass ugly people, who are, in fact, pretty people, your stoops and house parties, and massive park gatherings…then you take a big dump on our heads with your snow. It’s all a trick.

We are Boomshakalakians. We like awesome. And well, New York, you’re just not awesome in the winter.

How do you expect women to wear heels? What about men, we can’t maintain our cool faces with all this snow suffocating us (snow is like God beating out the dusty doormat of heaven.) And what about the neighbors who shovel in front of their houses, but toss the snow in front of mine. If we all shovel and toss the snow in the street, we could actually walk down the sidewalk. Just a thought. But it’s not their fault. Its yours, New York. Your snow clouds their ability to think logically. Makes them dumb.

I bet you like it. I bet you like to slow us all down. Quiet. Peaceful. Prettier than usual. You’re a jerk like that. Get off on it all, because you know, nobody is leaving. Nobody is taking this snow day to pack up and say good-bye to you. Nobody. We’re all just pouting, and waiting for you to stop showing us your frigid butt cheeks, and show us that pretty sunshiny face again.

So go ahead and bring it on. Just wanted you know…not cool, New York. Not cool.

Sincerely,

Jasons

PS: We know you’re a Boomshakalakian deep down in your heart. You can’t fool us.